Women Interest

Guilt-it's a bit like your pelvic floor-until motherhood you don't really give it too much attention. And then bang! You become aware very quickly of its existence and the struggle to keep it under control.
So why are working mothers feeling guilty? The root of the problem is our beliefs and expectations of our selves. We want to be the best mother we can-ensuring our children have everything they need to be happy and healthy and being there for them when they are growing up. We have been brought up with ideals of being always patient, loving and kind. Some of us have watched and learned from our own mothers who often put themselves second to their children until they left home.


Alongside the mother role, we want, or in many cases, need to generate an income to meet household expenses. Plus many of us are seeking success in our own right as business women. When we fail the impossible expectations we set ourselves in our multiple roles, we label ourselves 'bad mothers'.
Of course we all want to be good mothers, but how many of us could reel off a list of times when we judged ourselves as a 'bad mother'? We both have a few things on our own lists that make us feel far from ideal mothers-missing a daughter's first day of school due to work commitments, working when they were home sick...we could go on.

In discussing the issue of work life balance with women business owners in Australia and overseas as part of the non-profit NewNorma.com project, we became aware that guilt was a major issue for many business women. One response said it all: Sometimes you feel guilty for being with the kids and not at work, and sometimes you feel guilty to be at work and not with the kids!

First Lady Michelle Obama had something similar to say during the 2008 US election campaign: I'm always living with the guilt that if I'm spending too much time at work, then I'm not giving enough time to my girls. And if I'm with my girls, then I'm not doing enough for work-or you name it. It's a guilt that we all live with in this room....

But when business mothers are working it's not their absence that most affects children, but the guilt mothers feel. From our research, we believe this is particularly destructive because guilt can show up as resentment, anger, low energy levels and low self-esteem.

So if you are serious about enjoying motherhood and growing a successful business then you need to take action to ensure guilt doesn't stop you or limit your ability to achieve the results you want.
What can we do about kicking the guilt trip? Many women start up their own businesses to gain a greater sense of flexibility around the hours they work. But there is no guarantee of avoiding guilt simply with business ownership-in fact it can be worsened, according to a study of New Zealand women entrepreneurs.

Strategies that work
We recommend some simple strategies to help business women exercise their guilt free muscles to keep them feeling strong and in control:

1. Be clear about your goals and the actions needed to achieve them and shed those activities that are not a priority so you can focus your attention and time on what is most important to you.
2. Get over feeling guilty! Guilt is all about you, in particular your behaviour that caused a problem for others. You need to remember we have influence over others but cannot make them feel a particularly way-so feeling guilty about how they feel won't help anyone. If you are at fault, apologise and move on.
3. Use the feelings of guilt to find out if there is something about your behaviour you need to change. Why are you feeling this way? If you are feeling guilty about not spending more time with the children because you are working long hours for example, then ask yourself if you want the situation to change and identify alternatives that would allow you to reduce your hours.
4. Ensure you look after your own needs. Understand what makes you happy and schedule time for that each week. Because if you're not happy your children won't be either and you will find resentment creeps in quickly when you haven't taken time for yourself.
5. Communicate the reasons for your decisions to the main points of contact in your life (your family, staff, suppliers, customers) so they know what to expect from you. For example, if you are only checking emails twice a day or taking calls at set times each day or having to work late certain days of the week, let them know.
6. Make lists to keep you organised and focused so you use your time effectively and take advantage of time saving solutions to help you make the most of your time.
7. Don't let people 'should' on you. We cannot live our lives to please others. And stop using 'should' on yourself because it leads to resentment and frustration.